One of our key jobs as parents is to teach instead of punish, even when our children are pushing back, melting down, or otherwise being “difficult.” We know it’s hard: We’ve been there plenty of times as moms ourselves. Still, we’re here to guide our children in a compassionate way through difficult moments at all stages of development.
Sometimes, when emotions are high — when we feel like a young child is being impulsive and destructive, for example, or when a teenager turns everything into a battle — we need guidance to steer us in the right direction, so that we can help our kids learn instead of shutting them down.
As child psychologists, we’ve developed an acronym that can assist us all through this process, regardless of our child’s age: H.E.L.P.
- Halt
- Empathy
- Limits
- Proximity
Here’s how to use it during difficult parenting moments:
H is for Halt
Let’s say your child is hitting their sibling with a toy or has just missed curfew. Whatever their action, before you react, it’s smart to stop and ask yourself: Where is their behavior coming from?
We truly believe that no child wants to be “bad.” Why would anyone want to fail and disappoint a person who means the world to them?
Children generally want to make us happy, and they want to succeed. But there are biological limitations working against them. An underdeveloped thinking brain, an overactive emotional brain, and a lack of perspective leads to chaos and poor decision-making. An immature brain produces immature behavior.
A child is not their behavior. Though our anxiety can interfere with our ability to see it, their behavior is a form of communication a parent is meant to decode — reflecting a need that’s unmet or a skill they’ve yet to learn.
Children often convey their struggles through “misbehavior” or meltdowns, and deal with discomfort and stress through tantrums and crying. Their “bad” behavior could mean, for example, that they’re:
- Hungry
- Tired
- Overstimulated
- Feeling unwanted, rejected, inadequate, sad,…
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