Offering an apology can often feel uncomfortable because it puts us in a place of vulnerability.
What if you admit error and the other person takes the opportunity to pile on? What if your apology exposes you to public shaming? What if you’re forced to see something about yourself you didn’t want to see?
But learning how to give an authentic apology can do wonders for yourself and for the other person. As communication experts and co-authors of “Say the Right Thing,” we’ve found that people who are good at saying “sorry” avoid two words: “if” and “but.”
Here’s why they make you sound fake and insincere:
1. Using “if”: Failing to recognize the harm caused
When you use “if” to qualify your apologies, you are questioning the recipient’s reaction to the wrong, rather than to the wrong itself.
At its worse, “if” seeks to shift the blame, effectively saying: “I’m sorry if you’re so tightly wound that you can’t see your reaction is overblown.”
Yet even in the most generous interpretation, where the apologizer is genuinely uncertain about the harm, these “ifpologies” could still benefit from more curiosity. You’re unsure whether someone is hurt, so why not just ask?
2. Using “but”: Not taking responsibility for your actions
When you make an apology that starts with “I’m sorry, but…,” you not only seek to duck responsibility, but you also suggest the harm could happen again.
For example, if you say, “I’m sorry, but I was having a miserable morning,” the other person could wonder if you’ll repeat your behavior when you have another bad day. Another classic form of a “butpology” that attempts to excuse wrongdoing is, “I’m sorry, but I didn’t mean it.”
Providing context for your actions can be helpful. Depending on how severe your behavior was, the other person might feel less of a negative impact if they learn you were going through a difficult patch and acted out of character.
When tempted to offer an explanation, the best question is whether you’re offering it for yourself…
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