As a Harvard-trained psychologist who works with couples, I’ve seen relationships quickly go downhill when one or both partners speak to each other with contempt.
Contempt is dangerous because it not only attacks a person’s character, but it assumes a position of superiority over them.
When we communicate this way, we might treat others with disrespect, mock them with sarcasm, ridicule them, or use dismissive body language such as eye-rolling or scoffing.
Toxic phrases that can slowly destroy your relationship
If you notice any of these phrases coming from you or your partner, your relationship is in trouble:
1. “You don’t deserve me.”
Language that reflects contempt communicates to your partner that you believe they are less-than you, which can damage their self-esteem.
For example: “You’re lucky that I even put up with you.”
What to say instead: “I’m struggling to see us as partners right now,” or “I’m viewing you as less valuable than me, and I need to work on it.” State how you feel in a calm and honest way.
2. “Stop asking if I’m okay. Everything is fine.” (When it isn’t.)
Passive-aggressive language keeps partners from talking about their problems in a direct and open way. This makes it difficult to resolve conflict, and can make both parties feel insecure.
What to say instead: “I’m really upset, but I’m not ready to talk about it yet.” Instead of ignoring your problems, take some time to face and reflect on them.
3. “You’re pathetic.”
Name-calling simplifies a person into one negative attribute instead of appreciating the complexity of who they are: an individual with a host of characteristics, some of which we may not like.
What to say instead: “I don’t like how you handled that situation.” Express what they did that you didn’t like, and why it bothered you.
4. “I hate you.”
Language that reflects how you feel in a heated, emotional moment but isn’t representative of how you feel in the big-picture is damaging.
It overgeneralizes…
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