Language matters when you’re talking to kids — especially in the heat of a moment.
When a child is misbehaving or throwing a tantrum, it’s easy to blurt out whatever you think might get them to calm down and behave. But certain common phrases could “inadvertently shame” that child and cause lasting damage to their self-esteem, says Dr. Tovah Klein, a child psychologist and author of the book “How Toddlers Thrive.”
Any phrase that comes across as “blaming [the] child for either a behavior or an emotion that they’re having” is a problem, says Klein, who’s also the director of the Barnard College Center for Toddler Development. Barnard is an undergraduate women’s college of Columbia University.
“Shame can really be that toxic piece for a young child because they then carry it with them: ‘I must not be very good. I shouldn’t try that,'” Klein tells CNBC Make It. “It becomes, really, this sense of doubting themselves. It’s like a weakness.”
When kids are shamed by their parents, the people whose love and opinions matter to them the most, their confidence and motivation dry up, research shows. That makes them less likely to try new things and take on new challenges, traits they need to succeed later in life.
Here are five common phrases you should avoid, and what you can say instead, according to Klein.
5 toxic phrases you should never use around kids
Most of the time, parents absolutely don’t mean to shame their kids, Klein says. It can take the form of an exaggerated sigh or eye-roll, and a snarky comment like:
- “‘So, you’re in a bad mood, again. You’re always in a bad mood.'”
- “Why do you always get upset when this happens?”
- “Did you have to do that [negative behavior] again?”
- “That’s ridiculous!”
- “You’re overreacting.”
It’s usually just a sign of frustration, Klein says. Maybe your child is fighting with their sibling again, suddenly pretending they don’t hear your requests or refusing to do something they usually don’t mind doing.
“You think you have a really sweet child,…
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