As a psychologist and sexologist, we’ve been studying relationships for more than 50 years combined, and we’ve found that no matter how you slice it, most of them fail because of poor communication.
In his book “What Predicts Divorce?”, psychologist Dr. John Gottman identifies the four most problematic types of communication in relationships, based on his studies of 40,000 couples:
- Contempt: Expressing a lack of respect for our partners (e.g., name-calling, eye-rolling, ridiculing).
- Criticism: Attacking a partner’s character.
- Defensiveness: Protecting from criticism by using excuses or shifting blame.
- Stonewalling: Withdrawing from communication by ignoring, zoning out or acting busy.
Of these four, Gottman says, the biggest predictor of a failed relationship is contempt.
What does contempt look like?
Contempt is more than criticism or saying something negative. It’s when one partner asserts that they are smarter, have better morals, or are simply a better human being than the other.
The partner on the receiving end feels unworthy and unloved.
For example, continually interrupting the other person is disrespectful. But it turns into contempt when the interruption is not an overeager desire to talk, but rather a statement that the partner has nothing interesting or important to say.
It could be as obvious as a spouse saying, “Oh, he’s not worth listening to. He couldn’t tell a story to save his life.”
When this type of behavior becomes more than rare — and when it is either unrecognized or delivered with intent — any relationship, much less a marriage, is in trouble.
How contempt destroys relationships
Contempt makes it impossible for partners to feel like they have each other’s back. Instead of “it’s you and me against the problem,” partners are now the opponents. They never know when they might be attacked or undermined.
This often stems from individuals feeling that they are standing up for themselves, which is usually a healthy thing to do. But the problem is that…
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